This article was written by Garrick Colwell, co-creator of Kitchen Table Conversations, a nonprofit educating Central Texans on The 3 Ds of Advance Care Planning – How to Decide, Discuss and Document Your End of Life Wishes™.
Not long ago I was volunteering as the On-Call Chaplain at a rural hospital. Close to midnight the Intensive Care Unit nurse called. She asked if I would come in to comfort the family of one of her patients that was not doing well. I said I’d be there right away.
As I approached the family in the waiting room I could see they were having an intense discussion. They were clearly upset. Their Mom was lying unconscious in the ICU and the doctors had just asked them to make some important health care decisions on her behalf – Should they put Mom on a breathing machine? What about artificial nutrition? What if her heart stops, should they allow her to be resuscitated? Clearly very difficult decisions.
I could feel how uncomfortable and upset they were. Who won’t be? After all, their Mom can’t speak for herself and it appears that she never told them what she would want them to do on her behalf in a health care situation like this. I could see that they had strong and differing opinions about what to do for her now. And above all else they didn’t want to make the wrong decision. It was apparent to me that they had never sat down as a family to have “the conversation”.
The next morning as I reflected on my time with this family I realized, “There but for the grace of God, go I.” In this tender moment of clarity and compassion I resolved to do all I could to never put my family and loved ones in that kind of situation. Ever! But how?
I found the answer in Advance Care Planning. I discovered the key to your loved ones avoiding this kind of situation is to begin having “the conversation.” You know “the conversation” 90% of us believe is important to have but only 27% have done so. Yes, “the conversation” when you share what you want while learning what your loved ones want toward the end of life.
I learned that Advance Care Planning can be done in three steps.
The first step is to Decide what matters most to you. Knowing this will help you refine how you want to be treated toward the end of your life. You also need to decide who will be speak for you if you can’t speak for yourself. In Texas this person is referred to as your Health Care Agent. Ideally you would pick two people, a Primary and a Secondary who steps in if your Primary can’t be reached.
Second step, you’ll need to Discuss your wishes with your loved ones and each member of your healthcare team. You want to make sure they understand what you want so all the decisions they make on your behalf are being guided by your wishes.
Third step, Document your wishes using the Texas Directive to Physician and Family or Surrogates (also referred to as Living Will) and the Texas Medical Power of Attorney. These documents can be found on the Texas Health and Human Service website. Completing these documents will be your best chance of making sure everyone is literally on the same page to ensure your end of life wishes are respected and honored.
When should you do your Advance Directives? Now would be a good time. Once you turn 18 years old you’re encouraged to complete your Advance Directives.
Giving your family and loved ones clear guidance on how you wish to be treated at the end of life is a gift of love. The clarity of knowing your wishes unburdens them from regrets, feeling at odds with one another or guilty that they may have made the wrong decision on your behalf. Don’t let death divide your family. Start “the conversation” today! Remember it’s always too soon until it’s too late!
